Hi, I’m David Brooks. I’m sure you’ve missed me, but we have other clearly important matters to dwell upon. You see, the little people have become angry about capitalism. As I was scrubbing an imported Italian pumice stone on my soft, supple skin the other day, this occurred to me with a force that shook the purified waters of my gold and marble claw-footed bathtub. And then, of course, I realized that this is understandable, even if those people don’t quite know why. It was almost as if I was then scrubbing off the dirt of the poor and the needy, and it felt good to help, even though it was a little gross to feel that close to them. So let me explain it to you in very simplistic terms. I’m good at that. You see, capitalism was once based on the promise that everyone would get a leg up as long as they competed and played by the rules. Everyone except the poor and black and brown people, but whatever. Capitalism was good. Now, it seems, capitalism is bad, unless you’re me, but you’re not, and I sympathize. So my capitalist friend over at the American Enterprise Institute has a new message that should fix this little mess. It goes something like this: “Hey Republicans, shut the fuck up about how rich you are and toss those poor bastards some of your leftover bones. ‘Cause if you don’t, they’re going to realize that this is really how capitalism works. Remember how they used to throw money at poor people and make them fight it out? Do that, but with charities! Remember how they used to pay people off for their vote? Do that, but with tax credits! Then poor people might start to believe that they’re middle class again while we take more shit away from the actual middle class. Do all of this and we can really rack up the profits at their expense and call ourselves humanists and shit—it’ll be Epic!” I’m not related to Arthur Brooks, but it certainly sounds like I’m listening to a salty version of myself, which I find disturbingly exciting. In any case, sometimes you have to go all in when it comes to conning people into thinking that there’s a helping hand there, even though they can’t see or feel or experience it. But that’s why capitalism truly is magic.
Now, if you have the mental acuity, you can read my full post here.